How Your Childhood Affects Your Parenting
Through all of my parent coaching, I have come to realize that the road map that I provide is just one small portion of parenting. Of course, we all want to know the “right” thing to do at the moment but why can’t we always do it? Why don’t we have the patience? Why do we take things so personally? The answer is quite simple: it’s because of your past.
If you lack patience and empathy, don’t be hard on yourself. It could be that no one taught you or that it was protection you needed when you were a child or young adult.
The point of this blog is to help you begin to peel away the layers of pain, suffering, patterns, and mistakes in your life. Forgive yourself and say, “that was then this is now.” This is such an important step. I had the whole parenting thing figured out early on. Instinctively I knew what to do and when I didn’t, I had a large life team around me that I could always ask. Nonetheless, it wasn’t until recently when I started my own healing journey that I realized how much my past was affecting my present. Although I always had the “perfect” answer, there was still rage and anger deep inside me that spilled out to my kids, no matter how much I tried to dial it back.
This mattered to me because at any given time I could be triggered to go off the deep end. Patience can’t be found in a bottle of medicine or wine. You can’t meditate your day away and expect patience. Patient parenting comes from hard work on yourself and lots of digging.
I humbly ask you to dig your heels in and enjoy the ride.
I am here for you every step of the way. Let’s dive in:
Birth Order
One of the factors that can affect your parenting is your birth order. It often leads to the development of important personality traits that carry you through your entire adult life. For instance, I am the third born child among the three girls in my family. This meant that I was the sibling who was always seeking attention. A benefit of being the third-born child was that as the youngest child, I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. Nobody would do things for me and that eventually made me a very independent and resourceful adult and parent.
Environment
Another important factor that helps determine what kind of parent you are relates back to the environment in which you were raised. For instance, did you grow up in a home where love and attention were scarce? Was love made to feel conditional? Did you feel as if you were always walking on eggshells at home? If this was the type of environment you grew up in, it most likely led you to protect yourself with various coping skills.
These coping skills were present if you felt like you couldn’t: speak your truth, fully express yourself, or get a bad grade. Similarly, you may have felt like you were always living for somebody else. If this is the case, as an adult, you may be a people pleaser. As a parent, this means that you might also have a difficult time following through with discipline.
Another common childhood environment many grow up in is one with a parent (s) that has a bad temper or one who is constantly berating you. As a result of this, you may grow up having a poor sense of self-worth and could be very reactive and sensitive to criticism. You may also have a bad temper yourself or never speak up and stand up for yourself.
If your childhood took place in the adoption/foster care system, you may suffer from a fear of abandonment or never fully trust people. You may also depend on your children to provide you with a lot of love or even see them as equals (which they are not).
The coping skills that we learned as children to get us through tough times eventually become what shapes our decision-making and how we react to things as adults.
Now I would like you to think about what you’ve learned from your parents. What behaviors did they exhibit, and what things did they do, that you swore you would never do when it came to parenting? What are YOUR needs and requirements for self-care? Do you find that you try and fulfill these needs through your child?
This is where you have to be very honest with yourself. For example, if you prioritize health and fitness (this is great you’re following self-care) and follow a strict and regimented diet, you should not overdo it or force your child to do the same thing. Life is about balance. Give your child options. Similarly, if you are very studious and are upset that you never got into Harvard, you must realize that your child isn’t your second chance to get in. If you find yourself engaging in these destructive behaviors, you may be trying to control something that was once out of control in your childhood.
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Going back to my own story, my childhood environment was not a positive one and this certainly affected my parenting. My father left our family when I was 8 years old. My mother remarried and my stepfather was unkind. I ended up being raised in a home that was not a happy or sacred space for me. Unfortunately, I didn’t receive the love I needed outside of the home either. For this reason, I made sure that my children would have a much different experience growing up. I vowed to have my home be a happy and sacred space for them and wanted to be very involved in their lives.
There are times that as parents our egos will serve us in a positive way there will also be times when it can work against us.
As you read my story, you’ll notice that there was a very specific moment when my parenting style changed. It happened at a time when I was extremely stressed and needed Spencer to stop screaming and behave for my own sanity. I couldn’t take it anymore. I no longer wanted to let my child control me. My ego led me to make the (positive) decision to be selfish and end my own suffering. However, I also realized that the change still needed to start with me and I had a lot of introspective work to do.
I had to let go of all my ideas of what a perfect parent/child looked like and deal with my new reality. Knowing that Spencer was now diagnosed as autistic and hearing how limited his opportunities were becoming hurt my ego. I refused to accept the limitations society was already putting on him.
As much as the diagnosis was a tough pill to swallow, it made my path clear and gave me a purpose. I needed to give Spencer all the possible opportunities in life and finally accept that things would be different for us from now on allowed that to happen. I realized that my pain and my struggles are what drove me to advocate for him so strongly, I wanted to be the advocate I never had growing up. This is how my childhood environment shaped me as a parent.
If my son was a typical child, my desire to be so involved in his life could’ve become a hindrance to his growth, especially if I had become a helicopter parent rather than an advocate. Fortunately, as a result of his autism, my son’s need for me to be super involved worked in our favor and is what led me to bring a team of therapists into my home just one week after his diagnosis. Going through this experience was not only a chance for me to be the parent I needed when I was growing up, it was also a way for me to gain love and establish a deeper connection with my son.
Love and connection are essential when dealing with your children but only as long as it is helping them. You can’t rely on the love and connection with your child as the ONLY way to fulfill the need for love that you may have never received as a child. When this extra need for love gets in the way of parenting, it can become a problem. If you rely exclusively on your children for love and connection you may not be able to establish the boundaries which they need in
order to grow and develop. They may also not understand what consequences are which can carry on into their adult life. If you see that you are lacking love and connection you can turn to your partner or other outlets in your life for that extra fulfillment.
Hi! I’m Elise Montgomerie, and I’m here to help you cut through the bulls**t so you can heal your relationships, career, and life.
My work is deep — like healing your inner child, tackling your demons, getting brutally honest with yourself — deep.
With grace and patience (mixed with a hint of tough love), I help my clients plow through blockages and finally live the lives they’re meant to live.
