How to Identify Your Child’s Needs
We all have needs in life and it’s important to identify them within ourselves and our children. These universal human needs include certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, growth, and contribution. As a certified Robbins-Madanes© coach, I believe Tony Robbins' classification of these needs can apply to all of our families. Keep in mind that you can fulfill these needs in a positive or negative way and it’s imperative that you do it in a positive way. I will take this classification one step further and briefly explain each need as it relates to parenting.
Certainty
As adults, we grow to value our routines more and more each day. We begin to appreciate when things are predictable and become increasingly more set in our ways. Why do we value predictability and routine? We value it because it makes us feel good and safe and it is no different for children. Children need to be able to depend on predictability. As parents, we can provide predictability by setting boundaries and clear guidelines and by following through on any consequence or punishment.
Variety
We all want life to be interesting and like it when our spouses are spontaneous or when going out to a new place to eat etc. If we don’t receive enough of the right kind of variety and challenge we may turn to unhealthy vices for variety. These vices can include: drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. it’s another way of getting a thrill. Now think about your children and what variety they have in their life. Do they like rollercoasters? Do they like to skateboard? You want them to have a thrill through a healthy outlet. My daughter Payton loves to cook and needed a challenge, so to change things up she came up with the idea of having a cook-off with her cousins. This was not only thrilling for her, but it also provided a nice change compared to her usual routine of cooking a meal or baking cookies.
Significance
We all need to feel like we matter. I like helping my clients and hearing words of affirmation from them. My daughter, on the other hand, doesn’t like that type of attention. People like knowing that they make a difference in someone’s life, so it’s important to make our children feel important. Oftentimes, if children aren’t made to feel significant or important, they may seek significance in a negative way to get the attention that they are seeking.
Love and Connection
We receive most of our love and connection from our family. As adults, we can also find some of it through work connections, volunteer work, time spent with friends. etc. For our children, the first place they seek love and connection is from family and if they don’t receive it there, they may turn to outside sources. If children decide to turn to outside sources to seek love and affection it can lead them to become promiscuous teens or connecting with strangers online etc.
Love and connection are the most important human needs when it comes to parenting. This is why the first part of my program is entirely based on connection. As parents, the love and connection we show our children early on will impact them for the rest of their lives.
Keep in mind that if we yell or name call, our children will associate love and connection with these negative reactions. Later in life, your child could end up in abusive romantic relationships because of the patterns being formed. Your child may also accept other negative connections in life because they’ll think that it is better than no connection at all, it’s all they are used to and know because of their childhood.
Growth
As parents, it’s our job to foster our children’s emotional and physical growth while putting our own objectives and goals aside. You can’t have them be the captain of the football team because you want them to be, it can’t be your story. However, if they want to be captains you need to encourage their story, nurture that growth, and find opportunities that support their goals. Additionally, you will need to see what they are doing on their end to be compassionate, motivated, and successful in their lives. Are they being the best version of themselves without you pushing them or acting like a helicopter parent?
Contribution
It’s important to teach your child that in addition to focusing on how to get the coolest new toy, you want them to work on becoming a contributing member of society. Giving back to your community is important, that is exactly why college admissions forms don’t just ask for good grades. If you want the most well-rounded child, fostering the desire to give back to society will allow you to raise good little people. An example of giving back can include teaching your child to sit with the unpopular kid at school etc.
Hi! I’m Elise Montgomerie, and I’m here to help you cut through the bulls**t so you can heal your relationships, career, and life.
My work is deep — like healing your inner child, tackling your demons, getting brutally honest with yourself — deep.
With grace and patience (mixed with a hint of tough love), I help my clients plow through blockages and finally live the lives they’re meant to live.
